What Caused Me to Have Somatic Anxiety

Last Saturday, I woke up feeling extremely fatigued, my shoulders and upper back were feeling tense and my chest felt heavy. I did not do anything about it until It got worse the next morning.

So I panicked and called a local reflexologist to come to my rescue. Let’s just call her Dadong. Dadong said it’s not just regular physical exhaustion, it’s actually somatic anxiety. Then she asked me, “What have you been worrying about? Just enjoy the moment. Everything will be okay!” and taught me some self-soothing yoga movements — she is apparently also a yogini and holistic healer.

Until she finished doing the massage, those questions had not yet stopped bothering me. Could not get it unstuck until I write this. So I’m asking myself “What have I been thinking all these times?”, “What makes me feel anxious, unsafe and restless right now?”

Well, the answer has so much to do with me not living in the present moment despite everything going well. I’m still traumatized with my last job and how my ex-boss treated me. I have been constantly on fight mode scanning everyone and everything in every circumstance to spot even the slightest similar red flag that he gave off. My heart’s still pounding hard every time I hear the word “hard work”, I’m still having a hard time telling myself that my self-worth and identity is not tied with my work or how much that I can get done. I get easily panicked with a harmless follow-up WhatsApp chat because I thought that it means my teammates would probably think that I didn’t do enough or perform well enough.

I keep reliving him in my mind in these new better circumstances. I work my job with wariness as if he is still supervising me. I still replay his words like a broken record in my mind. I’m starting to develop a revenge perfectionism tendency just to prove to myself that I’m not like everything he thought I was. I constantly feel the strong urge to prepare for the unexpected and get my Plan B ready to anticipate that same sudden change at work, just in case.

I know that my ex-boss probably had no idea how hurtful his words could be. But please, to anyone reading this, I beg you to start being mindful and considerate with your words, even if it’s well-intended, toxic positivity is still toxic. In professional settings, tough love does not work on everyone, and contrary to what you think of how much it can improve your team’s performance, it does more harm than good.